Message in a Bottle: Something I ran across on the internet that was worthy of sharing

The other day I found a bottle floating in my swimming pool with a message in the bottle! This is what it said:

(Part 1)

Dear American People,

I am writing to thank all you good people for your support of the Drug War. I urge you to please continue to do so. The recent passing of medical marijuana initiatives has me worried and I don't want it to affect the status quo. You complacent Americans have been so good to me over the years - I'd hate to see a change in our relationship. As a drug dealer I depend on your apathy for my livelihood. I'm not just a drug dealer, I'm a Made-in-America drug dealer and proud of it. When Ronald Reagan cut down the marijuana fields of Latin American I responded by making marijuana America's #1 cash crop. Not only did I pick up the slack, but by using American know-how and ingenuity I cultivated a far better crop than our neighbors down South ever could. Thanks to past U.S. successes at cutting off the flow of cocaine into this country, American made methamphetamine is now the drug of choice of many kids in the Midwest. It makes me proud to be an American!

You know what I love best about the Drug War? It's easier for teenagers to buy drugs from me than it is for them to buy a six-pack of beer. Ain't that grand? I love it! Some kids are smart, they just want to try marijuana and have no interest in moving onto the hard stuff. But as long as I'm around they will, oh yes, they will. You see, every once and awhile the feds do too good a job and actually bust one of my indoor growing operations. When the kids come looking for weed and it's out of stock I always like to push the brown heroin. Strong enough that you don't need to inject it, makes it safer is what I always tell them. Like I give a damn. I don't touch the stuff myself, I'm in it for the money. And there is plenty of money to be made. $$$. Now I've got your attention! I'll get back to the money later.

As I was saying, I like to push the hard stuff whenever I can. The beauty of our current arrangement (you: good citizens against drugs, me: evil drug dealer) is that as newer, more potent, more dangerous drugs are introduced they've got a great distribution network already in place, ensuring that America's children won't miss out. Hell, if marijuana had been legalized in the 70's there never would have been a crack epidemic in the 80's or a crank epidemic in the 90's and me and my organized crime buddies would be out of business. Hint: do not support legalized marijuana. Brown heroin is really starting to take off and I'd hate to see a good thing end. Sure the crime rate will go up, HIV will spread and kids will be stealing from their own grandmothers but we should not rock the boat. You people get to say you're against drugs and I get filthy rich pimping American children. Let's keep it that way.

Message in a Bottle, Continued...Part deux:

Let me get back to the money now because I know those dollar signs I flashed earlier got you all excited. I do admit that I make far more money than I need and I don't pay taxes on any of it. Who cares if the U.S. government could make millions off of legalization? Who cares if a bag of pot I sell for $200 costs me about 75 cents to grow? Taxes are un-American and the reason this country fought a war back in the 18th Century. Some say that if you legalized drugs the cost of an addict's habits would go down and the crime rate with it. It may be true that a job at a McDonald's would buy enough crack to keep an addict high all night if it were legal but I give you one very compelling reason against legalization: jobs. This Drug War of ours doesn't just keep me in the money. Think about the hard working folks at ONDCP, DEA, NIDA, FBI, DOJ, DOD and all our boys in blue. We owe it to them to continue funding the Drug War. Think about the prison system and all the jobs it creates.

America has the highest per capita rate of incarceration in the world. I say, let's build more prisons! Some of my best customers are in prison and I make sure they continue to receive their favorite drugs while behind bars. An added bonus for all you closet racists: the prison population is disproportionately black. Thanks to the Drug War Americans have seen their civil rights watered down substantially. Who needs civil rights? I don't. I need increased funding for the Drug War. Now some of you may have heard talk about "harm reduction" and registering addicts. Don't support such nonsense! First of all, you would destroy the organized crime network which means I would be out of job. Second, by destroying organized crime you would deny future generations the joys of heroin and crack addiction. Third, you would eliminate drug-related violent crime, which would make Hollywood movies really boring. Believe me, I will not be organizing any more drive-by shootings unless large sums of money are involved. The drugs are irrelevant, I don't touch the stuff, the money is everything. I'm sure you can relate to that.

Finally, the main reason for not adopting harm reduction strategies and providing registered addicts with hard drugs is that it leads to big government. Big government bad. Drug War good. (Repeat 10 times.) Leave the drug distribution to professionals like myself. In conclusion, please continue to support the drug war. Remember: drugs are bad. Maintain the status quo. Continue to lump all drugs together. So long as marijuana, LSD, cocaine and heroin are all lumped together kids will reject the anti-drug message in its entirety and my business will boom. Kids aren't stupid but I do appreciate it when government treats them as if they are. By the way, for those of you in the media I applaud the suppression of the many studies that concluded that marijuana is safer than alcohol or tobacco. We can't let that sort of information get out as it poses a serious threat to the Drug War. Also for the media, please continue to spread lies about medical marijuana. Let's keep everything black and white or before you know it American will be like the Netherlands - we'll have the lowest rate of drug use on the Western Hemisphere - and I'll be out of a job. Again, I thank you for your support of the Drug War. God bless.